I feel like I’m in a rut nowadays. I just feel so empty inside. Have you ever had that feeling? When everything in your life is just simply okay? Not dramatic yet not exactly interesting. I just feel like I’m just coasting in life and somwhere along the way, I’ve lost my way. I just feel like I’ve stopped living myself and started living for others.

Every weekend has been the same old routine. “Angela, watch Anthony, and clean the house.” I feel like I’m losing the spark in my life. It’s like, what’s there to live for? That might sound like hella emo shit but still. Doesn’t that question ever run your mind?

As much as I love my brother, I’m starting to resent him a little. Actually I resent both my brothers a little. Even though Kao is older, my parents don’t rely on him like they rely on me. He has the freedom that I long for. And even though I love Anthony tons, he’ll never have to go through what I’m going through when he’s my age. He’ll get to have the senior year that I couldn’t have. 

I miss the days in 2007 and early 2009. I miss the adventures I used to have. Sneaking out, staying out late, having fun and living life for me. I didn’t care about the consequences, I didn’t think about what if this happened and what if that happened. Karaoking in the car, 4am meals @ Carrows and Dennys, Bowling @ 300, speeding down the empty freeways, parties at J’s house. Everything was going great. And then it all ended.

I guess I miss the part of me that didn’t really care for the rules. The part of me that wasn’t scared to do what she wanted to do. Somewhere along the way, I lost that girl and I want her back. I think, most of all I miss those people in my life. ‘07 and half of ‘09 was a great time for me. It changed how I was as a person and I miss those who’ve guided me along the way.

BTW, I’m loving Tupac at the moment.

“Even though it wasn’t me, I could feel the grief. Thinkin with your brains blown that would make the pain go. No! You got to find a way to survive cause they win when your soul dies. Baby please don’t cry, you got to keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up.”

LYRICAL GENIUS ^^